“He Never Cries”

I hear my wife pass on this little tidbit of information about me every so often.  It is usually followed by "He didn't shed a tear when we saw Schindler's List. He was the only dry eye in the house".  I just shrug my shoulders in the "what can I say" mode as the recipient of the information looks at me like I'm some sort of monster.  Then the conversation moves on to the next topic.

Truth is….I do cry.  It is a very private thing for me to cry.  Raised in a home where emotions were far from freely shared, I have just become the master of internalizing my feelings, bottling them deep inside. Don't ever stick me with a pin, because I may very well explode from all the emotion packed away inside. If I were to do my life over again, I wouldn't do things the same.  I would be more in touch with my feelings.  More strong in my beliefs.  More supportive of causes near to my heart.

To bottle ones feelings just sucks in so many ways.  Packing emotion after emotion leads to a deadening of emotion.  I feel like I am no longer are able to react to situations in an acceptable manner.  A wall builds around your heart and solidifies in a way that keeps people out….keeps them from affecting you in a negative way.  However, the true damage is that same wall keeps me from getting out….keeps me from standing up for truth and justice in the world. It does not let the true positive impact of those in my life fully affect me.  Emotions are there, but keep packing tighter and tighter behind that fortress I built around my heart. And sometimes the pressure needs to be let out, but it is always done in complete privacy, and only letting out the slightest amount to relieve the pressure. Never gushes, only seeping the minimum amount necessary to move on with the least effect on me overall.

I do cry.  I cry when Extreme Makeover Home Edition improves the life of a deserving family.  Probably 1/2 of all Oprah episode I see cause some tears.  I cry when I see my kids sad and unhappy.  I cry when I see episodes of ER, or Grey's Anatomy, specifically as relates to the loss of a parent or injury to a child.  I do cry.  And I did cry during Schindler's List, but managed to dry my tears during the last few moments and stash the tears away before the lights came on.

I hate the fortress around my heart.  Thirty years of packing away emotion….of building a wall that does not let my soul soar.  I feel like I have tried time and time again to bust through the wall, but simply can not make a dent.  My soul, a prisoner of my own insecurities and fears.

HOW CAN I BREAK DOWN THIS WALL?  HOW CAN I LIVE?  HOW CAN I SET MY SOUL FREE?

Rereading this posts, I am not sure I have adequately stated things in a way they make much sense to anyone but myself.  Am new to this (blogging, writing down my feelings, seriously trying to chip away at the wall I live and hide behind).  Part of me hopes that by continuing the blog, I can discover a way to break down this wall.

( Sorry, for the above. I'm just in a funky mood tonight, but can't wait to start tomorrow on a new journey to break free of my barriers.  It may take a good long while, but I make that first step right now.)

Papa

 

Days of Our Lives

So, I remember my mother watching this when I was in preschool. It was always on.  Then in the summers while growing up, it was on and I “caught up” with all that was going on.  Now that I’m staying at home, I turn it on every now and than.  I swear to you, the same story lines continue…..THIRTY YEARS LATER!!!!!!!!!!

They have all died two or three deaths, had amnesia…hell, I think even one or two has been possessed by the devil over the years, but THEY ALL COME BACK….to continue their dreadful, crazy lives.  Or maybe it’s their evil twin…..

You go Marlena!  You have overcome many obstacles over the years!  I am sure you will pull through your current predicament – amnesia, and the return of your evil, abusive first husband that no-one knew about.  You are strong…I believe you can do it!

Papa

 

Where are your eyes?

O.K.  Maybe I'm just being a little sensitive today.  Most days,  it wouldn't have bothered me, but a combination of factors made this specific occurrence a tad unpleasant.

 A little background…I am a stay-at-home adoptive parent to two little girls from China.  Going forward, they shall be referred to as follows:

1) TDC - "The Demon Child".  Really not a demon at all.  She is a lovely, bright, beautiful 3 year old who has blessed our lives for the past three years.  I could not love her any more than I do, and love her increasingly with each passing day.  She has a laugh that rings like a choir of bells.  She is one of the greatest joys of my life…..yet…..SHE IS THREE!  And has held off on the terrible two's until her third birthday.  "Dear Lord, get me through these trying times! But most of all, thank you for bringing her into my life.  Please help me identify the demons within and cast those buggers out!"

2) LA - "Little Angel".  My calm, darling, relaxed, take life for the fun ride that it is, and most of all SMILE, little one year old.  She has been with us for almost a year now. Slept through the night from day 1, God love her.  Always good for a smile and a wave and I love to hear her say "Papa" as she waddles over to me with a grin stretching from ear to ear.  On some days, she actually makes it to me before TDC tackles her and pins her to the carpet!

At any rate….our house is currently for sale.  So I received a call that two agents wanted to show my house today…..basically necessitating that we be away from the house from 10:00 to 1:30.  Kind of a long outing for us, but whatever.  If the house doesn't show, it doesn't sell.  Am willing to do my part and go to the park for a while…..

Not sure what it is about having two children adopted from China, but everyone and their mother feels it is their one duty on this planet to come over to say hi and relate some story or another of their connection to China adoption.  "My sister is currently adopting….", "I just saw a show on Oprah about international adoption…", "Didn't Angelina Jolie adopt from China?" (Uh, no.  That was Cambodia and Africa).  For the most part, I don't mind.  I have started awkward conversations with several people who ended up being adoptive parents themselves, and are now great friends of our family. 

There are just those touchy feely moments right after the initial start of the conversation that are tense moments.  Most people are well meaning, but as my daughters grow older and are better able to understand the conversations going on, I feel much more protective. "How much did it cost?", "It's awful what they do to their girls over there" and other mal-informed statements can usually be met with an abrupt end to the conversation.  Not hostile, just abrupt.

Additionally, we draw the curiosities of many Asian families.  Most are so kind and generous with their support.  Often we pass in the Wal-Mart or Kroger and get a double look from Asian families, who then happily move on their way.  Yet, there are some eating establishments we can no longer frequent due to histories of being mobbed by the servers demanding to know where they are from, how much it cost, and a variety of other personal questions we are not willing to discuss with complete strangers.  Not a lot of places like this, but definitely some. 

At any rate. Since we were away from the house during lunch, I decided to take the kids to McDonald's.  Normally, not my first choice. Heck, my three year old has only been there a very few times….but they have a nice indoor playground and we had hours to kill.

One other Chinese mom in the play area with her one year old.  Keeps looking over and obviously processing the fact that there are two Asian children with a white guy in the joint.  Doesn't say anything, but over the course of an hours keeps looking….A LOT. (My oldest now exploring the highest regions of the play area, but my youngest in a stroller right next to me).

Finally they get up to leave and are walking by.  She tell her daughter to say bye-bye.  I smile, wave and say bye-bye to the little girl. Big mistake.  This obviously is misinterpreted by the woman to be an invitation to stop and have a conversation.  She immediately asks how old LA is.  I say 18 months.  (Not feeling up to talking to people today…..trying to keep an eye on TDC, who is shy and is constantly looking to see if I can see her).  Asian mama proceeds to tell me her daughter is 13 months. "Oh, how nice. She is beautiful", I respond as I wave to TDC.  She says "Does your daughter not play?  My daughter is younger and has been walking all around this place.  Your daughter is in the stroller the whole time you are here". Liking this less now that she is comparing her child to mine.  I respond…."She is tired. This is normally her nap time", again with little eye contact with the woman.

 She sets her one year old next to LA and asks LA "Do you want to make a friend today? This is (whatever her name was, I didn't catch it)".  LA just kind of waves and smiles.  Then lady gets close to my daughter and starts asking over and over "Where are your eyes? Where are your eyes?" clearly wanting to see if I was being a proper parent and teaching my one year old to identify her body parts to complete strangers.  LA just kind of looks at her.  About the fifth time the lady asks, I lean over to her daughter and ask…."Where are your eyes?"  No response at all from the child.  Mother responds, "She knows her eyes. She always points to them when I ask". So she asks her daughter….no response.  My response…."Oh….hmmm". Then I smile at the girl and say "Thanks for stopping to talk to LA.  It was nice to meet you. Hope you have a nice day", and off they go.

I was not trying to be rude but one of the biggest pet peeve I have is when people try to compare their kids.  "Are they doing this yet?", "Is she doing this yet?".  Look what my kid can do…blah, blah, blah. 

And the worst part of it is, just SECONDS prior to this woman starting to talk to me, Olivia Newton-John started singing MAGIC on the loudspeakers.  I hadn't heard that song in years and was looking forward to getting jiggy with it in my head.  By the time the woman left, the song was almost over. MAJOR disappointment and annoyance points for that one! 

Why couldn't she have talked to me while Celine was pelting out "The Heart Will Go On". Things might have gone oh so much better.

Don't interrupt Olivia.  Just. Please. Don't.

Papa